Thoughts and Prayers

"The colors wouldn't be so beautiful without the contrast of days and nights in between. And if you're in a dark time of life, take the opportunity to look up, see the stars (and the signs) that God is revealing to you. The darker it gets, the more you can see it. A need and value for hope in something more." - David Archuleta

"Lord, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question. And in order for this to be possible…"

- Paulo Coelho, "My Prayer for 2015"

For months and months I have doubted. Doubted myself, doubted that I am where I am supposed to be at the moment, doubted that I have a future, and doubted that I can do something to make a difference in my life and that of others. I believed and still believe that God has a plan for me, and that it is good, but I came to a point where I felt like I have nowhere to go. That I am stuck, that my work doesn't matter even if I exert much effort in trying to deliver my work well and push for something more, to push for what I really want to do in life.

I always pray and ask God, "What do You want me to do?"

And there was often a silence on the other end which leaves me lost and confused.

I cried and pleaded and asked, and there was silence. Until I realized that no, God was not being silent. He was asking me the very same question I was asking him:

"What do you want Me to do for you?" Jesus asked him. The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see." 

- Mark 10:51, NIV

I had to decide. What do I want to do in life? I do not care for fame or success as the world defines it. I do not care for excessive riches, a million dollar house, or a car. The truth is everything I need is here now. Materially, at least. And perhaps that's it. I have received much, and now I want to be more of service to others and to God. And more importantly, to experience and have a real relationship with Him and be an avenue for others to do the same. But I also had to realize that there is more than one way to serve...there are many answers that exist to one question.

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"Lord, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible…"

I asked myself, I asked God, I asked a lot of people, mostly family, trusted friends and those whom I felt could help me come to a decision. I talked to many, and received plenty of good advice and insights that helped me gain a better hold and perspective of my situation.

Everyone's journey is different though, and I couldn't really compare what they have been through and decided with their lives to my own.

I cannot decide based on what people tell me. Ultimately it is my life, and whatever decisions I make, I have to make sure that I am staying true to myself and what I know my passion and purpose is in this life.

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"Lord, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible…"

One friend has advised me that it is better to have many options. I think that is not entirely true. Too many options will leave us paralyzed to actually make a choice, unless we have determined and are really focused and committed to what we want to do. At the very best, being focused on your vision helps you trim down the choices to the only ones that ring true to it. Everything else is just a distraction that you shouldn't pay attention to.

And when you have determined those choices available to you after that, you have to act in faith that God will guide you through the actions and decisions you make.

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"Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grown-ups and to children, it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible…"

There is still some doubt, and a lot of smaller decisions to make along the way, a lot of days when you have to push yourself to act even though you still feel like nothing is happening. There are small moments of enlightenment, which sometimes are followed by big moments of disappointment. But rather than being discouraged and brought back to that dark place, I seek the help of godly friends who help me see the light. Who help me see that each step and effort I consciously make along this path matters and is getting me somewhere. That each rejection or failure is an opportunity to learn and improve for the next challenge. And that whichever doors that have closed only help me make my way through the doors that the universe intends me to pass through. This helps me wake up each day and thank God for another shot in life, another day to work and celebrate and enjoy what He has given us for this day.

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"Lord, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory."

I am still in this journey, but I am no longer in that dark place. I am thankful for the people who have been with me, who patiently listen and try to understand, who believe in me and only want the best for me. I am thankful for their prayers and advice, the wisdom that they have imparted. I am thankful to God for sending them in my path. I hope that through this journey I am also able to share something of value to them, and together serve and work and live ultimately for God's glory.

And that will bring me true definitive peace.