#2017bestnine

It's been a while since I've last written a blog post to reflect on the year that is about to pass. But 2017 has been a big plot twist on its own, really one for the books for me, so might as well write about it.

Not many people know, but when 2016 was about to end, I was full of anxiety for the future. I felt that I am going nowhere, felt that I am being left behind, that life is stagnant and that I had nowhere to go. And then I spoke to a friend about my fears and frustrations, and he told me to stop acting like a giddy schoolgirl and start moving. To take responsibility for my life. And I suppose that's one of the things that guided me through the year, the thought that nothing is gonna happen if I don't move. If I don't let God move through me.

To drift through life without a goal, without taking risks, without stepping out of your comfort zone and pursuing what makes your heart beat...you're alive but not really living. So in 2017, I decided to live. And I swear I lived.

I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived.

Here I write about the #2017bestnine stories of my life in the past year, in chronological order.

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February 21: Death

I'm ninety-nine for a moment

Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming

- 100 Years, Five For Fighting

It's untrue to say that I have never experienced death in the family - I have, many times, mostly on my mother's side of the family.

But early this year, I experienced real grief for the first time from death of a loved one.

She was ninety-nine.

My grandmother - my father's mother - was gone, just like that. I remember my father saying that he thought he'd be ready if it happens, since he is already in his senior years himself, but how wrong he was. I remember looking at her face in the casket the morning of her funeral, my father holding me in an embrace as he wept. His tears falling on my shoulder, his sobs racking my own body. "Wala na ang lola mo." ("Your grandmother is gone."), he spoke directly into my ear. It was a moment I could never forget. Tears are falling as I remember it now.

Death always triggers us to reflect on what makes a life well-lived. Did my lola live a full life? Am I living my own life the best I can?

Paalam, Lola. Salamat sa lahat.

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March 25-26: #YOLOUNION

In the storms, winds, and waves, He whispers, "Fear not, for I am with you." - Isaiah 41:10

I've always been a free spirit, so the boredom of routine gets to me from time to time.

Also at this point during the year, there have been a lot of questions on my mind still. I did start the year determined to pursue my goals, take risks, get out of my comfort zone...and still it felt like nothing was happening.

I needed a break from life, if only just for a weekend.

So when my college friends asked me if I wanted to join them in a spontaneous trip to La Union, a province that is deemed the surfing capital of the north, I said yes immediately.

Mind you, I don't actually know how to swim and I am terrified of the open sea because of that. Yes, I've tried snorkeling with a life vest and do enjoy going to the beach as long as I stay near the shore. But surfing? Never.

But hey, 2017 is the year I live, right? So I did. We rode the waves. And...it was amazing. Once you get past the fear and get to ride that first real wave (after a couple of tries falling headfirst into the water), it was truly an awesome experience.

We saw an amazing sunset that day. The sunset, the sky, and the sea. Just beautiful. And then we grabbed dinner somewhere (bagnet, bagnet, bagnet! I'm Drunk I Love You, anyone?) which we ate by the beach. And then lay down on the sand with only the splendid night sky above us, a million stars twinkling back at us. We each shared stories of our hopes, fears, and dreams. Encouraged each other, gave our best advice, and just simply...listened to one another.

Good friends are hard to find, and I'm glad I spent that weekend with those two. It reminded me that to live isn't just about pursuing goals. It's also about appreciating the simple things.

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May 26: #Thesisdefended

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." - 2 Timothy 4:7 NIV

May is #NFAwarenessMonth, and I spent it doing my own social media campaign to promote awareness for NF.

But it was also a very stressful month for me wrapping up experiments, compiling data, editing my manuscipt, and [dundun] preparing for my thesis defense.

I've been told I write well, but I never really got the hang of public speaking. But I was determined and I was passionate for the cause, and in the end I did it. #Thesisdefended! I capped off my awareness campaign with this dedication:

This work of four years - five, if you count my undergraduate thesis work - began as a simple desire to do work that would contribute to knowledge in the management and possible cure for NF. And here I am today with this manuscript in hand. Yes, not yet bound and officially signed, but I only find it fitting to share this today.

This so-called achievement is not something I want for any self-embellishment. That is worthless to me. Rather, it is something of a gift from myself to the NF community at large. With that, I lift this passage from my thesis acknowledgements page so that it may reach those to whom these words are directed to:

To the friends I have met in the neurofibromatosis community, both local and abroad, you are the reason I have held on to this project for so long, and why I am still holding on to this dream of pursuing research to help #EndNF. I dedicate this work to all of you. The real Dream is that one day, no person would ever have to suffer from symptoms or loss of a loved one again due to NF. 

 

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June 6-18: Halfway Around the World

and

June 10-13: The Dream

So I do that thing every January where I write down my goals, wishes, and dreams for the coming year. For 2017, I wrote down the following things:

• Graduate from MS
• Be involved in NF2 studies
• Connect more with the NF community
• NF Conference 2017
• Travel on my own
• Travel around the country
• Travel abroad (US?)
• Step forward in helping #EndNF through research
• and a few more that I will talk about in the later segments

I already shared about how I defended my MS thesis and travelled somewhere in the country in the segments above. The other bullets on this list, however, I had no idea how to accomplish.
But God is a God of surprises.

The NF Conference is an annual event organized by the Children's Tumor Foundation (CTF), and is the largest gathering of NF scientists and clinicians and is now the most important scholarly gathering of the NF research and clinical communities.

Ever since I learned of its existence, it has been my subconscious desire to be able to attend it. This year, as I was wrapping up my research for my thesis on NF2, it passed my mind but I never really took it seriously until early February. The CTF posted an official announcement saying that this year's conference will be held in June in Washington, D.C.

Since that day, I've been praying about it, telling God how amazing it would be to be able to go. But...how? So, a bit of a backstory on this book I'm holding in the photo above. At that point in February when this trip was still just an idea in my mind and a prayer on my lips, my sister and I went to The Book Stop pop up shop, which was then set up at the Quezon Memorial Shrine, to donate some books we have at home. You can freely donate and freely take books there in exchange. I was browsing around mindlessly when suddenly my eye caught sight of this book in a lonely shelf in a corner of the pop up shop: a guidebook to Washington, D.C.! Literally everything I needed to plan the trip was there. It's like a sign and a promise from above that this trip is going to happen.

After that, a whirlwind of events as I prepared to finish my MS and at the same time apply and prepare for the conference. Never have I had such determination and passion for what I do until those months of pursuing The Dream.

Timing was tight and I was worried that something along the way will make the trip impossible for me. But I felt that God was with me all along. While awaiting the review of the conference committee for my submitted abstract, I was becoming anxious that I won't get accepted, or that it will be too late by the time they tell me if I'm going or not, I still have to book a flight, arrange accommodations, apply for a travel grant, apply for a visa, yada yada yada.

A simple reply from the conference organizer to my follow up email shook me and calmed me down at the same time:

"Yes, Krizelle. I haven't forgotten about you." 

It was like a personal message from God to me.

Long story short, yes, I was able to go to the US alone and attend the NF Conference. And tick off many other items in my wishes and dreams list, notably to connect more with the NF Community and to step forward in helping #EndNF through research. Their reception of the research I presented was just surreal, and I was so humbled to meet the scientists, doctors, and clinicians who are at the forefront of the mission to #EndNF.

This is really The Dream huhu thank you Lord!

And, because it was my first time in the US and it took me a lot of trouble to get there, I wanted to maximize my time and see and do as much as I can. I stayed there for two weeks, and during that time I explored the capital city (seeing the actual Washington Monument was an incredible moment), and even braved taking a solo road trip to New York City and to Yale University in New Haven, CT where I visited a college friend. Things I never ever thought I'd get to do in real life. S U R R E A L.

The White House

Times Square!

Statue of Liberty on my fingertip :P

Yale University

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June 6-18: Meeting

This is a dream that I've written down in my planners for the past three years.

A wish that I thought would be a very long shot to happen at all anytime soon.

But it did.

After reconnecting with him on Facebook almost four years ago and talking a lot after that, I finally met my cousin once removed again after nine whole years when I visited the US last June.

Good seeing you, Christian. Until next time, whenever that may be.

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June 25: The Finish Line

And that I have brought You glory on earth by finishing the work You gave me to do.

- John 17:4 NIV

It took five years for the sablay to shift, but it was worth it. Special thanks to my best friend of almost 20 years for recreating our college graduation photo during my MS graduation. <3

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September 21: Birth

I have known this woman since we were in kindergarten. Take that fact in for a moment. That was more than 20 years ago! And we were wee little children back then.

But now she has a wee little child of her own! That really blows my mind.

But but but, I'm really happy to see how this lil one has brought so much joy in my best friend's life.

I am excited to see baby Mayari grow into a woke young woman, and Gail bloom more in motherhood.

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October 18: Meeting Again

Like meeting Christian, this is a dream that I've also written repeatedly in my journals every year for the past three years since he got back from his mission: Meet David.

Who? David Archuleta, of course. And again when I wrote this one down, I had no idea if and when it will happen this year at all. But again, God is a God of surprises. And of impeccable timing. And of mysterious ways. I wrote about the whole story in this post, so I'm not retelling that here. But I always think when I reflect on this, that if my hearing didn't decline when it did, I probably wouldn't have met him at all (what a tradeoff though). So yes, this is one incredibly surreal moment for me. To be able to meet David, to tell him my story, to thank him for his music and message and for the person that he is. To be comforted by him, to be told that he's praying for me too. Thank you, David.

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July 8: Loss and Gain

Excerpt from Still Emily, by Emily Owen

Last July, after I got back from the States and went through all that craziness of graduation and celebration while also still dealing with work...I felt I was stretched too thin. And stress is something that is not good for someone with NF2.

I felt that I'm not hearing from my only hearing ear quite well, and was advised to rest.

And then it happened: one day I just couldn't hear that well anymore, and there was terrible banging and ringing in my ears.

I knew it was bound to happen one day, but I still thought to God, "Why now?" Just when everything was about to take off. Just when I can step forward and break new boundaries with the gifts he has so recently and generously given to me.

"I’m grieving the loss of the life I almost lived." wrote a friend who also has NF2.

I felt that so deeply too. For weeks, even months, I tried to function as normally as I can, but I really was heartbroken. What about my future now? It's true, however: many are the plans in man's heart, but it is always the Lord's will that prevails. So perhaps it's not something to grieve about after all. Because in all the soaring highs and brutal lows that I've experienced this year, I believe all things still work together according to His purpose.

Not in the way that I imagined. To borrow some of David's words, I put this post together to help me reflect on who I've become. "Some of these moments were hard (like my hearing declining) but I see God's hand in each step and every moment. It reminds me that after all is said and done, however high or however low, He has had a plan for me. He has wanted me to become more than I thought I could be or could see in myself. And He's not finished. It won't be in the way other people always expect or want. Not even in the way I always expect or want. But I can't help but express gratitude. Because whatever has happened in my life, I've become stronger and I feel I'm a better person."

This is very true to me too. This year has been an incredible adventure with surreal plot twists, good and bad. Death and birth. Gain and loss. Things that I've long hoped for, things that I hoped would not come to pass, and things that I did not expect at all. But that's life, and this is the life I lived, not almost lived. For everything, I am deeply grateful.

And in 2018, I will continue to live - for God. Because without Him it is all for nothing.

Cheers to a wonderful year ahead!